Content Warning: This episode discusses cravings, relapse, and the ways we talk ourselves out of change. It also asks you to look honestly at your own language and the fears underneath it, which can bring things up. Go at your own pace.
If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, US). For substance use support any time, call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. Outside the US, contact your local emergency or crisis line. You do not have to carry this alone.
What This Episode Is About
I just finished a book that has changed my life: Letting Go by David R. Hawkins. If you have followed me for a while, you have heard me talk about the soul self, the prophetic vision, living in peace, all of those high-level goals of chemsex recovery that go beyond just quitting the substance. This book is foundational to all of it. It is as if I read it first, maybe in another life. I want to pull out one part that feels most relevant and most powerful for you right now.
It has to do with two words I hear from clients over and over, and you may say them too. I can't. I can't stop going on the apps. I can't go to that party sober. I can't reach out for help. I can't sit with this. I can't stop using. Those two words are the signature of someone who has given up, accepted the role of victim, and closed himself off to possibility, not just in recovery but in life. And "I can't" feels comfortable. It is an anchor in the chaos. It explains and justifies your repetitive behavior and your unwillingness to act. It sounds almost like a condition you were born with, which is where "my disease is out of control" sometimes comes from.
Hawkins suggests replacing "I can't" with "I won't." I won't makes it a choice. A choice means your behavior belongs to you, and if it is yours, you are the only one with the power to change it. This episode is about what happens when you make that swap.
Key Ideas to Sit With
1. A disclaimer first. There are cases of severe chemical dependency where this discussion does not apply. Some brains are deeply diseased and some situations are chronic. I am talking to high-functioning men, the men in my program, who are holding down a job (maybe on their last legs, but holding it) and who have the space to choose.
2. Start counting your "I can'ts." You might be shocked. I can't stop. I can't delete the apps, I use my phone for work. I can't tell him, it would wreck him. I can't join that group, I'll be triggered. I can't do mornings, I'm not built that way.
3. "I can't" sounds like a fact, but it is a feeling. A fact cannot be argued with, and that is exactly what makes "I can't" so useful. It closes the conversation before anyone, including you, can ask a follow-up question. It puts the world outside your control and leaves you with a clean conscience. Hands up, white flag. And if someone does ask "why can't you?", you release the arsenal of excuses you have compiled, the evidence from your past that you are using to dictate your future. The conversation goes nowhere. You become the victim of your circumstances instead of the master of your destiny.
4. "I can't" lives at apathy. Hawkins maps emotional states by energy level. At the bottom: apathy, then grief, fear, desire, anger, pride. Above those: courage, acceptance, love, peace. "I can't" has an energetic level, and it is apathy, the bottom rung. Hopeless, stuck. It is a man who has decided the cravings are driving the car while he sits in the passenger seat watching the scenery go by. It feels like you have already lost and the only sensible thing left is to stop trying. You let go of the wheel.
5. Courage is the first rung where you can say "I can." Even "I possibly can" is above "I can't." Courage shows up as action. And notice: nothing on the outside has to change for you to move up. Your circumstances stay the same. The only modification is your perspective.
6. Change your language to change your perspective. Replace "I can't" with "I won't." When you won't do something, that means there is an action you are not taking. It means a solution exists and you are refusing to look at it. That opens the possibilities, and that is what is true.
7. Translate your "I can'ts."
- "I can't stop going on the apps" almost always means "I won't let go of the attention and validation I get from the apps."
- "I can't tell him, it would wreck him" becomes "I won't let go of the fear of looking like a drug addict."
- "I can't go to that group, I'll be triggered" becomes "I won't let go of the fear of being seen by others."
- "I can't do mornings, I'm not built that way" becomes "I won't go to bed at a time that would make mornings possible."
The first statement in each pair is closed, and it gives your behavior permission. When you say "I can't stop going on the apps," you are telling yourself to go on the apps. The second statement looks at the root, the motivation, the thing you are holding on to.
8. Nothing about the situation changed. Everything about the direction did. The deeper level of what you are holding on to is where the deep healing happens, and it gives you a solid direction for the work. Take the apps example. Once you admit you won't let go of the validation, you can start finding that validation from yourself and from healthy sources. You have a map. The decision to be on the apps fades away on its own. There is no need to block the app or to experience blocking it as depriving yourself of something fun or gay, because you have gone to the root of why you were there.
9. The goal is not to stop meth by force. Not white-knuckling. The goal is to expand, understand, and heal so much that meth becomes an afterthought. That is the key to long-term recovery and to every little reduction of suffering in your life. The question under all the day counters and program language is not "how do I stop?" You know how to stop. You have stopped dozens of times. The question is "how do I find my peace?"
10. Every "I can't" is a gift. When you hear your own "I can't," hear it as apathy: giving up, closing off, accepting defeat. Then find a rung up the ladder to courage, which is simply the next action. You will not find that action by saying "I can't." "I won't" opens you up to "what is my next best step?" Treat "I can't" as a strong signal that there are fears and resistance underneath that are begging to be seen, processed, witnessed, and healed.
11. Condemnation versus curiosity. Recovery is not about condemning yourself, and "I can't" condemns you to nothing. Recovery is about curiosity. "I won't" asks: what am I refusing to do and to see? Get curious. Ask what you think is underneath, and let the question sit. Sometimes you will not know the answer, and that is perfect, because not knowing the answer means you are admitting there is one. You are not waiting for a download from the universe. You are planting a seed.
12. This is the work of life. Not just recovery. This is the privilege of learning it in recovery so you can carry it into everything else.
Reflective Questions
- How many times did I say or think "I can't" in the last week? What were they about?
- Which of my "I can'ts" feels most like a fact? What happens in my body when I say it as "I won't" instead?
- When someone asks me "why can't you?", what evidence from my past do I reach for? Is that evidence still true?
- Where on Hawkins's ladder (apathy, grief, fear, desire, anger, pride, courage, acceptance, love, peace) am I living most days?
- If I stopped asking "how do I stop?" and started asking "how do I find my peace?", what would I do differently tomorrow?
Journal Prompts
- "The 'I can't' I say most often is... Translated into 'I won't,' it becomes... and what I am actually refusing to let go of is..."
- "The last time I said 'I can't,' the truth was..."
- "If I am honest, the validation I get from the apps (or the party, or the hookup) is giving me... and here is where else I could find that..."
- "The fear underneath my biggest 'I can't' is... and here is what it is protecting me from..."
- "Nothing in my circumstances has changed. The one thing I could change about my perspective today is..."
Action Exercises
- Keep an "I can't" tally for seven days. Every time you say or think it, mark it down with the sentence that followed. Do not judge, just count. At the end of the week, read the list out loud.
- Translate your top three. Take the three "I can'ts" that showed up most. Rewrite each one as "I won't let go of..." Say both versions out loud and notice which one your body recognizes as true.
- Find the rung. For each "I won't," name one small action that would move you from apathy to courage. It can be as small as getting up and taking a walk. Do one of them today.
- Replace the validation. Pick the "I won't" that involves attention, validation, or being seen. List three healthy sources (a friend, a group, a practice, a creative outlet) where you could get some of that this week, and reach for one.
- Sit with one question. Choose your hardest "I can't" and ask: what do I think is underneath this? Do not force an answer. Write the question at the top of a page and leave it there. Come back in a few days and see what has surfaced.
Going Deeper
- Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins. The book this episode is built on, and foundational to everything I teach about the soul self, the prophetic vision, and living in peace.
- Hawkins's Map of Consciousness. His scale of emotional states by energy level, from apathy at the bottom to peace at the top. Found across his books, including Power vs. Force.
- Related AfterMeth episodes: Chemsex Recovery: You Already Want It Enough (on willingness over wanting), and Chemsex Recovery: You Decide Your Day One.
- Recovery Alchemy coaching. The root-cause work in this episode is the heart of what my clients do in Foundations. Learn more at www.recoveryalchemy.org.
- Join the conversation. Comment on Spotify or YouTube, or DM me on social media. I'm everywhere at all times.
Nothing outside you has to change for you to climb from "I can't" to "I won't" to "I can." The circumstances stay exactly the same. Only the perspective moves. And every time you catch yourself saying "I can't," something underneath is asking to be seen. That is not a failure. That is the work, and it is a gift.
Love you!! Dallas 💚
© Recovery Alchemy, Inc. | www.recoveryalchemy.org
Responses