Can you remember who you were before you tried meth (or meph or monkey dust)?
I remember me.
The man who thought coming out of the closet was the answer to my pain.
The man who imprinted onto every man who showed him attention.
The man who wrapped anger and resentment around him like a heavy coat.
The man who despised who he was inside, but pretended to be free.
At that point in my life, I was sober, yet completely lacking self-awareness. I was broken and didn't even know it.
And...
I had a destiny inside me. Programmed into my heart. A life's purpose.
But in order to attain my highest and best version, there was an initiation, a crucible, a dark night of the soul.
Everything in my life lined up so that I would end up at that guy's house on a Sunday afternoon with a pipe in my face. With the first puff, my dark night began. And into the depths I went.
And now, 7 1/2 years later, I'm walking in the light. The light of awareness, of peace, of purpose.
I'm so grateful for my experience with methamphetamine. I'm so grateful to be the wounded healer for men around the world.
I want to talk to you today about something that might reframe your entire relationship with what you've been through - and what you're going through right now.
What if I told you that your experience with chemsex wasn't a detour from your spiritual path, but actually the initiation itself?
What if the chaos, the breakdown, the loss, the shame - what if all of it was never punishment, but preparation? Not a fall from grace, but a descent into the underworld that every hero must make before they can be reborn?
This is what is sometimes called the dark night of the soul. And whether you're still using, newly substance-free, or years into your recovery, understanding this framework can radically shift how you see your journey - and yourself.
I help gay men break free from the addictive patterns of chemsex (Tina) and become their best and highest selves. My 1:1 coaching, Recovery Alchemy, is a six-month, intense program that can literally change your life. I accept 2 new clients per month. Apply Here.
What the Dark Night Really Is
Something I've learned that seems counterintuitive is that spiritual awakening doesn't happen in the light. It happens in the darkness. The breakdown (your active use and the resulting spiral) isn't the opposite of the breakthrough - it's the beginning of it.
