Content Warning: This episode discusses relapse, cravings, euphoric recall, arrest and drug court, and the pull to use during moments that are supposed to feel safe. If you are in early recovery and this is stirring something up, that is worth paying attention to. Reach out to someone on your recovery team before you finish reading.
If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, US). For substance use support any time, call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. Outside the US, contact your local emergency or crisis line. You do not have to carry this alone.
What This Episode Is About
Before the North Carolina justice system forced me into recovery, I made many attempts to stop using. After my first arrest, I was court ordered into 12-step meetings. I still remember slinking into that Methodist church classroom and giggling to myself: a meth-odist, that's exactly what I am. And I loved those colored NA key tags at first. They mark your consecutive meth-free days. I loved them until I noticed I was relapsing after every ceremonial key tag. The day I was released from probation, I drove straight from the courthouse to pick up a guy to party. I had been on Grindr in the pews waiting to be called up.
By the time I had been arrested three more times, I could see the pattern clearly: milestones were a major trigger for me. I remember saying that out loud the day I completed treatment, and again the day I graduated from drug court. I wanted to celebrate, and my stomach was clenched with fear at the same time.
Does that sound familiar? I bet it does. And I bet the feel-good trigger is one that has gotten very little attention from you and from the people trying to help you. So this episode is about why you want to use when life is looking good, what the research says about it, and how to build a plan for the celebration before the celebration arrives.
Key Ideas to Sit With
1. There is a clinical case for this. G. Alan Marlatt's cognitive-behavioral model of relapse is the foundation for most modern relapse prevention work. The trigger for a return to use is called a high-risk situation. I call them danger zones. Marlatt built his categories from studying actual using episodes. The two biggest, by far, are what you would expect: negative emotional states (anger, anxiety, depression, boredom, loneliness) and interpersonal conflict. Together they account for more than half of relapses. Direct and indirect social pressure accounts for more than 20 percent. And then there is the category almost nobody talks about: positive emotional states. Celebrations, good news, wins.
2. You are not escaping. You are amplifying. In the positive emotional state, the research shows people use specifically to enhance an already good feeling. You are not trying to get away from something. You are trying to make it bigger. And meth does amplification better than almost anything on earth. For a man in chemsex recovery, a celebration is not a neutral event. It can set off the reward loop.
3. Your brain learned a rule: big feeling, use. Not big bad feeling. Big feeling. The nervous system does not file pleasure and pain in separate cabinets. It files intensity. A promotion and a breakup both spike arousal, both flood you with dopamine, both push you outside your normal operating range. If your learned response to intensity is to use, then intensity itself is the trigger, regardless of whether it is good or bad.
4. "I deserve it." That is the whisper. It is the same voice that convinces me to eat a double cheeseburger, fries, and a milkshake after 30 or 60 days of fasting and going to the gym. It makes no sense, and it sounds completely reasonable. You have been white-knuckling it, saying no to everything, and now something good has happened. Your brain does not know it is meth. It just knows reward. And this logic arrives at exactly the moment your defenses are lowest, because why would you defend yourself against good news?
5. The devil learns from your mistakes even when you don't. The church says that phrase. What they may not realize is that the devil is the part of your brain talking to you in this state. Some call it the ego (Edging God Out). What it actually is: old thought patterns and neural pathways pushing to get their way, and they know exactly what to say, in what tone, to you specifically.
6. Milestones are the sneakiest version. Thirty days, 60, 90, a year. You get a chip, a coin, a key tag. You post on social media. Your app pings you. Everyone who loves you says congratulations. And underneath all of it: I've proven myself. Maybe I can handle a little one. Maybe I'm stronger now. Those thoughts are natural. They are not proof that your recovery is failing. They are proof that your brain is doing what a brain does. But they land hardest on milestone days, and milestone days are precisely when nobody thinks to check on you, because you look like you are winning.
7. Train your team. This is exactly the information to share with your recovery team as soon as you see the pattern. Go back to episode 3:48 on hiring and training your team. They need to understand how your brain operates, especially if they have never been in any kind of addiction. Tell the people close to you: when I get good news, that is a red zone for me. Call me.
8. Name the category and put it on your list. One of my clients calls it an inflationary experience. Whatever you call it, accept that good news can be a danger zone and write it down alongside the others. The promotion. The new guy who seems to be going well. Reconciliation with family. The milestone. Vacation. The first really good week or month, when you feel good and your body looks good. Those are the days you need your guard up. The 12 steps say it this way: when you're feeling bad, go to a meeting; when you're feeling good, go to two.
9. Relapse rarely happens at the party. It happens in the transition: the hours after, when the dopamine dives, when the event is over and you are alone with the residue of that big feeling and no plan. Marlatt calls what you need a coping response, and the whole point is that it has to exist before the situation shows up. So run fire drills. I get great news, I go on a great date, here is what I do after, here is who I contact, here is who I am with at 10 PM and at midnight. Do not be alone. Keep your people not just on standby, but on alert.
10. Willpower is not what wins. The men who do this best in my program are not the ones with the strongest willpower. They are the ones who are proactive, whose support network knows how to check in, when to check in, and why, and who also go on alert when something good happens.
11. Boring things do not get a day off. Keep doing what you were doing in early recovery on the good days too. Consistent daily action does not pause because you feel happy. You cannot base your recovery on how you feel right now until you have a handle on it. The good days are the ones that test whether your recovery is a set of checkboxes or a real infrastructure. If your routine only shows up when you are struggling, that is not a routine. Episode 3:46 is about this: wanting it is not enough. Being willing to do what it takes is what gets you through.
12. You are not weak, failing, or self-sabotaging. Get away from all the self-defeating, disempowering words. If you have used after good news, that is part of it. You are human, and your nervous system learned a rule a long time ago that your prefrontal cortex never agreed to. Stop treating your life like a threat assessment where only the bad days are dangerous. Bad days announce themselves. You feel them coming and you brace. Good days slip through. They feel like relief. You have to learn to hear them coming too.
13. This is not the rest of your life. I am not saying you stay on guard forever or that your addiction is doing push-ups in the parking lot. I am saying that at a certain stage, you plan for the inflationary experiences, put your safeguards in place, and get through them several times. Every time you do, you build new neural pathways, new habits, and new self-trust. Eventually you just get to live. Good days, bad days, and you don't use. You get to be a normie. I don't know how long that takes, but this is how it works.
Reflective Questions
- When I look back at my relapses, how many of them followed something good rather than something bad?
- What does "I deserve it" sound like in my head? What tone does it use, and what does it promise me?
- How do I usually feel in the hours after a celebration, a milestone, or a big win? Where do I go and who am I with?
- Does my recovery team know that good news is a danger zone for me? If not, why haven't I told them?
- Does my daily routine show up on the good days, or only when I am struggling?
Journal Prompts
- "The milestone or piece of good news that came right before a relapse was... and this is what I told myself in the hours after..."
- "My brain files intensity, not good or bad. The big feelings, positive and negative, that push me outside my normal range are..."
- "The inflationary experiences coming up in the next three months that I need to plan for are..."
- "If I stopped calling myself weak or self-sabotaging, the more accurate and compassionate story about why I used would be..."
- "The version of me who gets to be a normie one day looks like this... and this is what I am building now to get there..."
Action Exercises
- Add good news to your danger zone list. Write out your specific inflationary experiences: promotions, milestones, new relationships, family reconciliation, vacations, the first great week. Put the list where your other triggers live.
- Brief your team this week. Tell at least two people on your recovery team, in these words or your own: when I get good news, that is a red zone for me. Call me. If you have not built your team, go listen to episode 3:48.
- Run a fire drill. Pick one upcoming milestone or likely piece of good news and script the after: who you call, where you are, who you are with at 10 PM and at midnight. Practice it before it is real.
- Plan your next celebration in advance. Decide how you will mark it, with whom, and what happens when it ends. The transition after is the part that needs the most structure.
- Protect the boring stuff. Choose three daily recovery actions and commit to doing them on your next great day exactly as you would on a hard one. Notice how the "I deserve a day off" voice shows up, and do them anyway.
Going Deeper
- Episode 3:48: Hiring and training your recovery team. Your people need to know how your brain works and when to check in.
- Episode 3:46: You Already Want It Bad Enough. Wanting it is not enough. Willingness is what gets you through.
- G. Alan Marlatt's cognitive-behavioral model of relapse. The research behind high-risk situations and coping responses. Look up his work on relapse prevention if you want the science.
- Join the conversation. Tell me in the comments on Spotify or YouTube about your feel-good triggers and how you handle them. I bet milestones are on your list.
- Recovery Alchemy coaching. Learn more at www.recoveryalchemy.org, and subscribe there to get study guides in your email.
Bad days announce themselves. Good days slip through. Learn to hear them both coming, put your people on alert, and keep doing the boring things when you feel great. Get through enough of those days with a plan, and one day you look up and realize you are just living your life.
Love you!! Dallas 💚
© Recovery Alchemy, Inc. | www.recoveryalchemy.org
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