Why You Do What You Don't Want To Do

It can feel maddening when you are trying to quit using meth. 

Each day, each hour, each second feels like you are a different version of yourself.

You don't want to use, you want to use, you hate meth, you will stop nothing until you have it. 

You have a stellar day of feeling happy and accomplished, and then that evening, you're driving to the guy's house to party. 

You know this dance intimately—the conscious mind making declarations while something deeper pulls the strings.

Today, I want to explore why this happens and, more importantly, how understanding it can set you free.

If you've ever wondered why your actions don't match your intentions, why willpower feels like pushing water uphill, or why you keep returning to behaviors that you consciously know aren't serving you—this one's for you.

I help gay men break free from the addictive patterns of chemsex (Tina) and become their best and highest selves. My 1:1 coaching, Recovery Alchemy, is a six-month, intense program that can literally change your life. I accept 2 new clients per month. Apply Here. 

The Great Divide: Two Kinds of Wanting

Here's what I've learned about human desire: we operate from two completely different levels of wanting, and most of us don't even know it.

Surface Wanting is what we consciously declare.

"I want to be healthy."

"I want meaningful relationships." 

"I want to be abstinent from meth." 

This is the voice of our evolved, rational mind—the part that reads books, makes plans, and genuinely desires growth.

Deep Wanting is primal, reactive, and rooted in survival. This is the part that says

"I need to feel accepted at any cost"

"I need to escape this feeling right now"

"I need meth because its my only escape"

It's not rational, and it doesn't care about your five-year plan.

The problem isn't that we have deep wanting—it's that we're unconscious of it.