There's a story we tell ourselves in recovery.
That the loneliness will go away once we build a new social circle. Once we find a sober community. Once we get back into dating, or back into the world, or back into our own life.
So we wait for the outside to change. And sometimes it does — and the loneliness is still there. Sitting in the same place it always was. Quieter now, maybe. But still there.
Here's the belief I want to challenge today:
Loneliness is not caused by who is absent from your life. It is caused by who is absent from yourself.
"I felt lonely, so I..."
- ...got on the apps.
- ...went to the bar.
- ...went to the sauna.
- ...texted a past user buddy.
- ...sat staring at my text messages.
- ...scrolled through deleted numbers.
- ...posted a thirst trap on social media.
I've noticed these and similar statements from my clients, mostly before a relapse.
What I've come to understand is these guys AREN'T lonely, they are fragmented.
They have rejected so many aspects of themselves that they are left internally isolated.
And no amount of external connection, especially chemsex, will remedy their feelings.
The Lie Loneliness Tells You First
Loneliness has a signature move. The moment it shows up, it points outward.
